REMONT

Remont. What is remont? Remont is the bane of my life here in Russia.

Let me explain. 'Remont' is a Russian word with no exact English equivalent - a dictionary will tell you that it translates as 'repairs' or 'reconstruction' or 'refurbishment' or something along these lines, but that's not quite accurate.

Remont can apply to shops, flats, amenities, services - anything really. Remont is when a Russian takes something that is working perfectly well, then pulls it to pieces just to make sure. Having reassured himself that it was in working order before he broke it, he will then spend the next couple of weeks putting it back together. With any luck, it will then work nearly as well as it did originally.

At the moment, I have no hot water in my flat. Neither have several thousand other people in my district. When I asked how long this will go on for, I was told - for May. The whole month! So what calamity has caused this situation? One word - remont. Apparently this happens every year. The water board stop the hot water, just to check that the hot water system, the pipes etc, are working properly. After all, they wouldn't want people to have problems with their hot water now would they?

Incidentally, remont can also apply to cities. St Petersburg is currently undergoing remont, which goes some way to explaining why we could get into some of the places we didn't get in to.

WEATHER

It's now +24 in Moscow! Yes, really scorching. All the trees are in full bloom as well. I'm not looking forward to going back to work next week if the heat keeps up. In some ways I prefer the cold. But it means I'll probably come back to England in the summer with a tan and confuse everyone who thinks that Russia is always cold and snowy.

St. Petersburg wasn't quite so warm but we still had a lot of sun. The trees haven't really started to bud there because it's so much farther north, but to make up for it we were getting sun-set at around midnight (and, disconcertingly, getting noticeably later each night). It's only a few weeks till the 'White Nights' phenomenon starts and the city has practically 24-hours of sunlight.

PIE SHOPS

Last night I discovered a great place in Moscow. It is called Proekt O.G.I. - 'The OGI Project', though in Russian it is a sort of pun on the word for 'pie'. It's a small basement bar-stroke-venue-stroke-bookshop-stroke-restaurant-stroke-gallery. It didn't really have much to do with pies. Even the restuarant bit didn't sell them.

We saw, or rather heard from behind a sea of heads, a Moldovan funk-punk band called WK? play. The beer was sooo cheap, and it wasn't crawling with ex-pats (only us, he-he). It's also in a nice part of the city (Chistiye Prudy, or 'Clean Ponds'), and right near a metro station - but well-hidden in a courtyard, so no passing trade. A really nice, friendly, enthusiastic crowd too.

I sometimes feel that all the really nice places in Moscow are in basements. In fact, I don't know a single decent place at street level or above. There's another place I like run by the Proekt OGI people, called Pirogi ('pies'), and that's also mostly underground. It does sell pies, though, among other things. It also has a bookshop. Bizarre. But I would recommend either of these places, should you ever be in Moscow (Pirogi is near Teatralnaya metro station).

Having just read my previous post about our trip to St. Petersburg, I have realised that it might seem somewhat critical. So I would like to add that I had a great time, and apart from the first day, when it pissed down, had great weather as well. Incidentally I spent that first rainy day with Kostya waiting for my family to arrive and following two traditionally Russian activities - drinking vodka, and watching a Jackie Chan film. These two activities go together surprisingly well.

The other great thing about the trip to Pete was that I wasn't at the flat in Moscow. This week we, that is, Anthony and I, have been cat-sitting for a teacher who has skipped off to Sochi for the holidays. And what a mad cat it is.


SOME FACTS ABOUT MARGARITA THE CAT

1) Named after Margarita from Bulgakov's 'The Master and Margarita' (a great novel by the way). In the book, Margarita hangs out with the devil. So it's quite an appropriate name for this cat.

2) Eats anything. Including, but not limited to - hair clippings, pot plants, coffee, and, once, an empty pack of condoms (not mine).

3) Loves water. Tries to fish clothes out of the bathtub when they are soaking. Jumps into the sink. Tries to join people on the toilet.

4) Does not sleep. Ever. Likes to sit on people's heads when they are sleeping, though.

5) Obsessed with a laser-pen. She will chase the little red dot for hours, without stopping. Actually, the batteries are dead now, as it was the only way we could find to stop her eating our property.

6) Uses the litter tray, but instead of scratching the litter, scratches the wall and the floor around the tray.


We can give the cat back on Sunday. That's if we haven't turned it into cat-shashlik by then.

A few people have complained that I haven't been updating the log very much recently. That is, of course, because I have been burning the candles at both ends, living the high life - the life of an international playboy - and so on. However, just for my fans, I will take a break from my hedonism to tell you about:


MY FAMILY TRIP TO ST PETERSBURG

So, I have had holidays all last week and spent most of that time in Saint Petersburg with my family. Perhaps not quite as eventful as last year's familial visit to Moscow, as no luggage went missing, no-one got pickpocketed, etc, etc. This year's trip was marked, however, by our total failure to get into almost anywhere we wanted to. In no particular order:

1) The Catherine Palace at Pushkin - open only for tour groups in the morning, shut for breaks all afternoon. The staff there obviously work very hard, to need breaks of two hours at a time.

2) The palace at Peterhof - we think it was open, but there was a ten-deep scrum, sorry, queue, to get in - and besides, the ticket office was - having a break. Even when it was open, the office refused to sell anyone a ticket. The fountains were on, though. Well, some of them. For about ten minutes.

3) The Lycee, Puskin's old school, coincidentally also at Pushkin. We did manage to get in here, but only to be shouted at by all ten of the babushkas (translation - irate Russian grannies) who work there. For various reasons:
- Going the wrong way round the building
- Loitering
- Hurrying
- Not being part of a group
- Getting in the way of a group
- Looking at things
- Leaving

4) The Hermitage. Gareth and Mei claim to have actually made it in here, but I don't believe them.

5) St. Isaacs. We didn't get in here, and I don't remember why. It was probably shut, or having a break, or being guarded by grannies.

6) The Church on Spilt Blood. See above.

7) The Jimi Hendrix 24 hour Blues Bar. It is closed at night, and in the mornings.

8) A bar with a big sign reading 'Open! Come in!' It was closed. They told us to go away.

9) It's not really a place, but the hydrofoil to Peterhof wasn't running either.

10) On one occasion, my hotel room, when the cleaner thought I was a burglar.

Hmm, my holiday starts on Thursday.

I made it through the stint at work on Saturday. Over the course of six hours, five people came in to be tested, of whom I tested a grand total of one. Which took me five minutes.

Have I mentioned the sudden and dramatic improvement in the weather? All the snow has melted, and it's getting up to about +15 in the day. Even at night it is only hovering around freezing.

This past winter in Russia was the most severe for a decade, according to the papers. As evidence of that, despite the recent sun, the riverboats are not running yet and the lakes are *still* frozen over. I wouldn't risk walking across them now, though Anthony said that the fishermen are still sitting out there on the ice, eskimo-stylee. Wonder if they ever catch anything in the Moscow waters?

My furby-loving 8 year-old brought a scooter to the lesson on Friday. I was quite tempted to mug him then sell it on at the Mitino dodgy goods market. But then, I thought, maybe he's carrying a blade.

Talking of 8 year-olds, the young learners workshop I mentioned earlier never happened. A good job really, as this week has been a bit mental. The only other full-time teacher at my centre, at least since the departure of Trevor the Canadian, has had to go back to the States for a couple of weeks because of a death in the family. It was all very sudden and sad.

As a result we are now seriously understaffed. Language Link have, however, quite helpfully been sending us some other random teachers to cover all the lessons that Anthony and I were unable to take on. My personal favourite random teacher is Ian the stereotypical northerner from Bridlington.

And Bridlington Ian had a great story to tell:

One of Ian's regular groups contains a very racist skinhead. After months of putting up with his small-mindedness and bigotry, Ian decided to take a little revenge. He told the student, quite innocently, that the verb 'to beat off' was a cool way to say 'to beat up'. Now the skinhead goes around telling anyone who understands, and I quote: "At weekends I like to go into the woods and beat off niggers." What a mental picture eh? Well, it made me laugh.

It's Saturday morning... and I'm at work! Yes! Our rota system has decreed that it is my turn to sit here in the central school at the weekend doing nothing. Someone has to be here in case any prospective students want to have their language level assessed.

I am 51 minutes into my six-hour stint so far and no-one has shown up. So this is thrilling. At least the internet is working, and there is one other teacher here with me. We also have a list of menial tasks to do, such as:
- clean the whiteboard
- put away the resource books
Er, actually, that's it. So we'll be hard-pushed to get it all done in time!

Briefly, went to a new church last Sunday. It was a New Frontiers International church - so like Bracknell Family Church, if you know it - in the far North East of Moscow, called Rosa. A bit of a trek from the metro but now the weather has suddenly and radically improved, it's not too much of a problem.

Someone from Bracknell Family Church came to preach here recently, which is how I found out about it, through a very pro-active friend.

Anyway, to help you get a picture. It's in a modern building with a large congregation. Russian language service. It even has an evening service which is quite handy... it might help my Russian improve anyway. The church seems quite active locally, and also friendly, so I think I will go here more often.

My knife-wielding 8 year-old has not yet brought any more weapons to the classroom, but we have had a singing furby, four laser-pens and something called a Bok-Rok. I'm not sure what it is or what it does, but we never had them when I was a kid.

I have just been co-erced into attending a Language Link 'young learners' workshop next week... should be barrels of fun. Actually, speaking of young learners, one of mine brought a stanley knife to the lesson yesterday. It went something a little like this:

8 year-old Nikita: James! I have knife!
Me: That's nice, Nikita. (he often makes outlandish claims - 'I have elephant! I am pink panther!')
Nikita: Look! (brandishes knife above head)
Me: Aargh!
Other students: Let's play game...
Me: Give me the knife, Nikita... (Nikita waves knife in my direction) No, no, the other end... (I disarm small child)

So, another potentially life-and-death situation brought under control by the cool-headed, quick-witted English teacher that I am. Workshops? I shouldn't be attending them, I should be running them.

As I write this, it's snowing. I'm really fed up with snow now, especially as it's well above freezing and shouldn't be snowing at all, it being April and everything. I even unsealed the balcony yesterday in the hope that it would persuade the weather to buck up, but it doesn't seem to have worked.

Anyway. Went to Obninsk at the weekend, as a friend from last year, Eugene, had his birthday. In true Russian style it was celebrated round his flat where his parents prepared a three-course meal for twenty-five people. And I saw a lot of people I hadn't seen for the best part of a year, so that was really great.

An interesting bit of war-related trivia. Chechnyan representatives (they don't have a government as such), have actually come out strongly in favour of the Anglo-American invasion of Iraq. They're probably the only Muslim state to have done so, at least so enthusiastically.

Why, you may ask... simple. The Russian government are 'anti' the war, so the Chechnyans are just being contrary to irritate them. This seems to be how they decide all their policies. It's pretty understandable.

Sorry I haven't posted for a long time, but the internet connection at our central school has been down and I couldn't be bothered to go to an internet cafe. Actually, central Moscow has the largest internet cafe in the whole of Europe, it's more like an internet warehouse. But I still couldn't be bothered.

So I only had myself to blame, then, when I was confronted today with the message: 'You have 28 new e-mails'. Pah. Lesson learnt.

Waeather still unpleasant here. We had a couple more hours of snow yesterday, and it's fairly windy as well. Incidentally, I have decided that the town of Mitino, where I teach some of the time, was actually a secret Soviet experiment to build the world's biggest wind tunnel. I can confidently report that the experiment was a success.

Okay, I won't mention the war.

The weather here is surprisingly terrible. We had a full 24 hours of snow and now we have freezing winds and sub-zero temperatures. It's nearly April!

Started a new group of students this week, upper-intermediate level, which I inherited from our departed Canadian. The only phrasal verb they know is 'fuck off'...

My flatmate is convinced his new girlfriend is a spy. I think he may be right. So there is a general air of paranoia in our flat...

The first post for over a week, I'm sorry, our network has been down.

Last Saturday I went with a few other teachers to a club at Ulitsa 1905 Goda called Tochka, to celebrate, yes, St. Patricks Day. This is fast becoming a very important Russian holiday, though I'm not quite sure why.

Tochka is a big club that looks like a converted barn, though I'm sure it's not as you don't find many barns in central Moscow. And as with most Moscow clubs, it took us an hour to queue up to get in, another half an hour to put our coats in the cloak room, and then when we entered the club itself it was only half-full. Get a system, people.

Anyway. The main attraction of the evening was, and I quote, a number of 'Keltski Rock' bands playing. Keltski rock, if you are wondering, sounds a lot like the lead singer from Rammstein backed with the population of Summer Isle from the Wicker Man. Or death metal with fiddles, as you prefer.

Also, very bizarrely, ran into five of my old students from Obninsk. This is now the second time that this has happened, and while it does make me look very popular - every time I go clubbing I get jumped on by gangs of teenage girls, often literally - it is quite disconcerting. As was meeting a girl who went to uni with my brother, which I don't think has ever happened before.

It's snowing here, for the first time in two weeks. So it doesn't really feel like spring! At least it's not cold, somewhat above freezing.

Another four-day week... ho-hum.

Went to a party on Friday, hosted by Kostya and held in his one-bedroom flat. He managed to fit around 25 people in it which is quite impressive, as only eight people live in this flat usually! Yes, eight! Only!

Anyway, turned up late as I had been working in Mitino, while Kostya lives in Vykhino (check the map, it's a long way). Trust me, bursting in on a room of 25 Russians who have already been drinking for four hours, on a holiday weekend, is an interesting experience.

Woke up next to a fat, snoring Russian with no idea of where I was, or who he was, another interesting experience. The next thing I knew, some girl was offering me chocolates, something I still find quite inexplicable.

On Saturday went to a restaurant called Yolki-Palki, which is the Russian equivalent of a Harvester, if you can imagine such a thing. It's not at all bad, and they are popping up everywhere. Can't complain.

Sunday, Monday, did nothing. Knackered.

Another three-day weekend this weekend, as it's International Women's Day. All these days off are really disrupting my timetable... life is hard. But... International Women's Day - which other countries celebrate it? I'd love to know. Probably the Ukraine, and Georgia, and that's about it.

Talking of disrupted timetables, my groups are changing around a lot at the moment as Trevor the Canadian has gone back to Canada. Also Jamie is ill so it's only really me and Anthony holding down the fort in our little corner of Moscow.

Lots of adminy stuff too recently. We have just had a quality control exercise, which I seem to have made it through. And next week I'm getting observed, just to check I'm not a totally duff teacher. So if I'm back in England in a week's time you'll know why! No, I'm not too worried.

Found a great electronics market in the west of Moscow called Gorbushka. Actually, it was recommended to me but it really is colossal, 1200 little shops and stalls (it's indoors) full of pirate CDs and just random stuff. You can even buy English-language NMEs... well, I know this will interest precisely no-one, it doesn't even count as an anecdote but I felt I should write something.