SPECIAL GUEST BLOG POST ABOUT HATS
by Julia Davis, who I should say is American


So, this analysis is about hats. You know the big furry things you see on top of the heads of Russians in movies, thinking to yourself 'no one would actually wear something that ridiculous in real life,' here's the news: they really wear them. And not just one or two people, they're everywhere. Honestly I thought it was strange until I began to understand what was going on: The Russians are competing for Biggest Hat. Now for those of you not in Moscow this may sound like a simple, uninteresting competition, but as an inhabitant of the battle ground I can tell you it is quite a show.

But first let me say that not everyone is involved in this highly complex War of the Hats. As with most any Russian competition, those who do not have a shot at winning simply choose not to compete. This is announced by
going to the other extreme and having a small, knit hat that fits tightly to the skull (in these cases it seems the scarf
must be quite big, nearly swallowing the head, but I haven't quite figured this one out yet).

Anyway, for those who can afford or have the ways and means to hunt for some large, furry animal to stick on their head the competition is on. There are several ways of winning Biggest Hat. The men usually opt for
the straight ahead approach and simply kill or buy something that perches just above the ears and hope that it's big enough.

The general form of the hat can be made bigger by getting an extra furry skin or by finding a long-haired animal whose tuffs wave in the wind. Color is also an issue. Some, confident in the size of the hat, wear a simple black furred beast. Others, perhaps trying to trick other contestants into thinking their hat is bigger, wear wild colors. I have seen orange, red, purple (on a woman - I'll get to that) and, for those who are really going for it, combinations of these abominations.

Now, in the category of color it seems that women have more freedom than men, being able to pull off (used loosely) all sorts of crazy business. For goodness sakes, I have seen yellow. A big, poofy, yellow fur hat?I would have run screaming in the other direction but I was too busy pissing myself. The women also adhere to a differently formed hat. Not the traditional shoot-it-perch-it-top-the-head that you've seen in movies. For the women it is more of a
buy-it-wrap-it-round-the-head-like-a-hood. This gives the advantage of having more material to work with. I have noticed it is important for the fur to stick out in every direction as much as possible thereby drastically increasing the size. Also, some women supplement with poofy, furry tails that hang from the hat and are wrapped about the neck like a scarf. These women are usually front runners.

Now, I hear you ask 'How can you be sure this is a competition? Maybe they are just cold.' To that I say, 'pfaaagh. cold my arse.' These folks are warriors. If you have ever seen the look on a man's face as he strolls down the street, his hat towering above all others, you will know that Hats are serious business. Or a pair of eyes swiftly scanning the metro car to see if anyone's hat is bigger and the look of triumph when they confirm that, indeed, they have the Biggest Hat. How that triumphant look can turn to despair when a Bigger Hat boards the car. I have seen Russians running blindly from hats that seriously out size their own. Babushki board a packed metro car and immediately be given a seat in deference to the size of the Hat. Occasionally, when there are two men with equally sized hats in the same car, one will get off and board the next car up so he can be alone in his victory. Yes, in Russia Hats are serious business folks. I just wanted to let you know.